I sat in my car for almost an hour after finding the letter, because suddenly I could remember things I’d spent years telling myself weren’t important. The apartment I’d planned to rent had been paid for by the company that offered me the job. My sister knew that. My father knew that. My mother knew that. They had all known I was supposed to leave in October, and by November I’d already been convinced that staying was the only decent thing to do. What I didn’t know was that my sister had moved into the apartment I’d been planning to take. She’d signed the lease three weeks before I was supposed to arrive.
I called my nephew that evening and asked him exactly what his mother had told him. He said there was one more thing he hadn’t mentioned because he thought I’d already known. She’d told him that Grandma had asked the family to “keep me close” because she was afraid I’d leave and never come back. I asked him whether Grandma had ever said that to him herself. He paused and said no. Then he told me she’d once asked him why I never talked about California anymore. I hadn’t known she’d even remembered the job. My nephew said, “She thought you gave it up because you wanted to stay.” I laughed when he said that, because that was exactly what everyone had allowed me to believe for thirty years.
Then my sister called. She said she wanted to explain, and I told her I wasn’t interested in explanations anymore. I asked one question: “Did you know I was planning to leave?” She said yes. I asked whether she’d signed that apartment lease. She said yes again. Then she started crying. She said the family thought I’d eventually understand that someone had to stay, and because I’d always been the dependable one, they assumed I’d accept it. I told her I had accepted responsibility. I had never accepted giving up my future. She didn’t answer. For the first time in my life, nobody in my family was asking me to stay. I hung up, started the car, and drove toward the coast — not because I knew where I was going, but because for once, I wanted to find out.
